My struggle with emotional eating

This blog post is going to be a very hard one for me to write. I'm getting ready to bare my soul to you all. I've been trying to write this blog for a couple of days and I keep deleting it. My hope is by me sharing my struggles that I can help just one woman who is struggling with the same thing!

 

One thing I have struggled with basically my whole life is emotional eating! I eat when I'm happy, I  eat when I'm sad, I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm mad, I eat when I'm frustrated, and I could go on and on and on. I know that this is a common struggle among women. The question is why?  What is it about our lives that we run to food for comfort?

Not only am I openly admitting to you that I'm an emotional eater I'm going to go even further. I hide it from everyone around me. Let me take you back to 2009. A year after we got married Chris had been actively trying to loose weight. After we got married, he had reached his heaviest weight and had decided he had had enough. So he joined a gym and slowly started changing his eating habits. He did very, very well! I was very proud of him! So when your husband or wife decides they are going to start eating healthy and exercising it kind of makes you examine your own life and what you may need to change as well. Well it did for me anyway. So I decided that I would start cutting back and exercising as well. I would last two weeks max and that would be it! I would go out and BINGE on oreos and or sonic or mcdonalds.... the list goes on. The only thing is, I hid all of this from Chris. I hid this from him because I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed that I couldn't stick to my goals. I was embarrassed that I couldn't be the fit, active, healthy wife he deserved. So in the end, I just quit trying all together! But he kept pushing towards his goals! He loved the way his body felt as he got healthier, I guess I just didn't want it bad enough yet.

Fast forward to January 2012, we had been in Greenville for almost a year and I was continuing on my destructive path. I'm not sure if I was depressed because I missed home or if it was because I was working night shift and I felt like I was sleeping my life away, or maybe it was a combination of it all but I was so unhealthy. I was sick all the time, I hated myself. I hated the person I saw in the mirror. I actually avoided mirrors as much as possible. None of my clothes fit. I was smiling on the outside, but DYING on the inside. I thought to myself if I hated myself this much there is absolutely NO WAY Chris could love me and think I was sexy. I mean look at him he is in the best shape of his life while I'm over here the biggest and most unhealthy I've ever been. Now of course he did love me. He loved me WAY more than I loved myself! But because I was so unhappy with me, I projected those feelings onto him. I would start arguments for no reason. I wouldn't even want him to see me naked.  I realized something had to change, or I was going to ruin my marriage on top of ruining myself. And because I love that man so much and because he DID still think I was beautiful even though I didn't feel it, I decided enough was enough and this time was going to be different. He agreed to help me!

 

This time was going to be different I knew that if I was going to stick with it, I couldn't completely overhaul my life. I was going to have to take baby steps, so I did. I started choosing healthier options. I was a sweet tea-aholic, I was addicted to it, so I cut that out. I also started turning down the cakes and cookies and ice cream etc that is all too prevalent at the hospital, especially on night shift. I also decided to start walking. And Chris walked with me. Then we started jogging, then we started running. Not that I ever ran for miles but we would run from one light pole to another light pole then walk to the next light pole, etc. And slowly I began to see my body change. My skin a new glow. I felt better about myself, because I knew I was trying. And slowly my jeans got a little looser. My shirts got a little looser. I was finally doing it. Now I would love to tell you that, bam that was it and it has been all flowers and sunshine from that moment on. Well guess what, it wasn't!

I did good for the most part but I still struggled with emotional eating. And because I was doing so well on the outside, I continued to hide it from Chris. And this is where it gets sad. I knew that if I used my debit card he would see where I had been so he would know what I was doing. So instead, he had a container full of pocket change, I would go through it and find all the quarters until I had enough to buy a hamburger and fries at mcdonalds or sonic. Or I would go buy a pack of oreos and eat half the box in one sitting. And I would hide the rest of it somewhere in the house where he wouldn't find it.... It was miserable. Why couldn't I break the cycle?

Fast forward again to  November of 2012, I was approached by a fellow classmate of Chris' Liz Horne to take part in her online fitness accountability group. She explained that I would need to commit to a beachbody program of my choice and commit to drinking shakeology daily. I was like what the heck is shakeology.LOL She sent me a video about it and I decided maybe this was what I needed. I know I had Chris to help keep me accountable, but its different, he sees me naked, and he is a man. Men don't go through the same struggles as women do when it comes to weight loss. So I agreed to be a part of her challenge group and I decided to do brazil butt lift!

Now once again I would LOVE to tell you that it was all sunshine and rainbows, but it wasn't. I still had a million struggles that I went through. I made up a million excuses. I worked 12 hour night shifts, that was my biggest excuse. And I'm going to tell you another little secret, I did not LOVE shakeology the first time I tried it! Actually I didn't like it at all haha! But I kept playing with it until I found a recipe that loved!! And now I can't go a day without it! But even though I had all of those excuses, I also had other women in that challenge group that had some of the same struggles and they were there routing for me!! I knew that I wasn't alone! And THAT is why I knew this time I was going to succeed!!

And then in February of 2013, I became a beachbody coach, I decided that it was time for me to pay it forward and help other women become happy and healthy with themselves. Because for the first time in a lonngggg time I was starting to love myself again! But guess what even though I became a coach, I still struggle. I still hide food, I still find spare quarters to feed my food addiction. Now I will admit it has gotten a LOT better. It's not a weekly thing anymore. Its more like a monthly thing. Sometimes I go months without a slip up. I'm getting stronger everyday.

 I know that I can overcome this.  I also know I am not alone. If you are like me a struggle with the emotional side of food please reach out to me! If there is one thing I have learned over the years it is TOGETHER WE ARE BETTER!